we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
