i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
