bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
