I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
True but thats because hes a fetus.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
