What did we do last night that was yellow?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I could fuck to npr.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
