Already got asked if we're dating
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
