In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
