I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
