did you get engaged???
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
