He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
