Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Drunk is not a location!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
