Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
