i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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