I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
