I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
