If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
