is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
