It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
