Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
