non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
