also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
