Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
