And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
