Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
