last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
