I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
