Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
