My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
