If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
