Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
