Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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