me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
