is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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