We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
