I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
