So drunk, too bad you don't want this
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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