Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
