I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
