I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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