Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
