4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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