I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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