just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
