my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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