I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
