Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
