This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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