New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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