my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
