I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
